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Wedding Spectacular, Part Deux

Fat girls of the world, please forgive me. For this weekend at my aunt’s wedding reception I fulfilled a fat girl stereotype. I stole a piece of cake.

Actually, I stole two pieces of cake.

However, I didn’t get caught! If I’d gotten caught, I may have set back the fat girl acceptance movement by a few years. By being sneaky I think I only set us back a few weeks. Okay, maybe a month or two.

I was sitting at a table with a couple of my aunts, an uncle, and two first cousins once removed (that’s a tricky plural) when the waiters served us cake. Yes, there were actual servers! In little black vests. How fancy! My aunt had gotten maybe two bites into her apple spice cake when she got up to snatch a piece of the armadillo cake from a passing waiter. Yes, that’s a cake in the shape of an armadillo like in the film Steel Magnolias. It was even red velvet cake so when you cut it open it looked like the creature was bleeding.

Then the DJ started spinning “YMCA.” Like flys to honey everyone at the table headed to the dance floor with my aunt leaving her pieces of cake unguarded.

Foolish woman.

I had already eaten my slice of apple spice cake and was drooling for more. I stared at my aunt’s piece of cake. She must not want that piece of cake, I thought. She got up and got a different piece instead. It would be a shame to waste a piece of cake. It would make baby Jesus cry. So I leapt up, snatched that plate, devoured the slice of cake and then shoved the empty plate onto my uncle’s place setting. Fat girl’s first rule of stealing food: always get rid of the evidence.

Baby Jesus must have been really happy I didn’t make him cry because then my brother came over from his table with another slice of apple spice cake. He’d grabbed it from my cousin who has type I diabetes and couldn’t eat it.

So I ate that piece too.

Thank you diabetes and dancing!

The DJ kept spinning hokey tunes people like dancing to at weddings, giving the servers enough time to swoop in and completely clear our table before anyone got back. They took all the plates, even the ones that had food on them. Thus all evidence of my cake stealing was removed from the scene of the crime.

In my own defense, these pieces of cake were really small. They were about 2/3 the size of a slice of bread. So the three pieces combined were probably equivalent to a large wedge sized piece of cake. Also, the aunt I stole the cake from is fatter than me, so in comparison I wasn’t even really the fat girl in this situation.

I don’t feel bad about it anyway. I don’t want to be one of those women who can never take pleasure in food without feeling guilty. That cake was damn good and I could get hit by a bus any day, especially considering the way my brother drove on the way home. Do they not teach kids about adequate following distance in driver’s education anymore? It’s best to enjoy life and good food while you can. Now excuse me, I have to go run 10 miles.

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11 Comments

kathryn • June 5, 2006 at 10:14 pm

Stolen cake is the most delicious :)

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melanie • June 5, 2006 at 11:11 pm

stolen food ALWAYS tastes better. sounds like you had fun :D

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Eh... not so much • June 6, 2006 at 4:54 am

If you’re going to spend the points on something, it better be freakin delicious! That’s my motto.

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lme • June 6, 2006 at 8:06 am

I would’ve done the same thing, but I would have had me that piece of red velvet cake too :)

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Kyra • June 6, 2006 at 8:14 am

LOL I have to say, I’m rather distracted at weddings, so stealing the cake wouldn’t have been on my mind (watching people do the chicken dance always spoils my appetite) – but at a birthday party, all bets are off.

My daughter had her birthday this weekend. Usually she chooses something like “confetti” rainbow cake or something (blargh!) not so this time; chocolate chocolate chip cake with fudge frosting. I just about died. It took everything I had not to polish of her slice when she decided she was done with more than half the peice left! But I actually dreamed I spent the rest of the night trying to eat the cake.

I sounds like you had fun at the wedding though! Covert Cake Mission and all! :)

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Slem • June 6, 2006 at 8:35 am

LOL…and I thought I was the only one who knew all the rules of sneak eating….Loved that you aren’t feeling guilty about it…that’s the worst part about sneak eating….

Glad you enjoyed the wedding…but why didn’t you get up and do the chicken dance? it would have worked off the extra calories and you could have snucked (?) more cake…

Sue

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Kay • June 6, 2006 at 11:02 am

Sounds like a Desperate Housewife show I saw a while ago. lol…

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K • June 6, 2006 at 11:10 am

“Also, the aunt I stole the cake from is fatter than me, so in comparison I wasn’t even really the fat girl in this situation.”

And also you’re selflessly eating the cake so she won’t have to. A kind and niecely act. (*giggle*)

I remember that “bleedin’ armadillo” cake from Steel Magnolias… but I can’t say I warm to the concept! Maybe I’m just hideously squeamish, but that would be enough to put me off cake for a while.

At our wedding, it was my other half who ate, oh, seven pieces of cake, and then had to stay off the dancefloor for a little while until his insides had settled down… (And he’s very thin. I do envy men their metabolisms.)

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Jen • June 7, 2006 at 9:56 am

Oh my! This sounds EXACTLY like something I would do! :-) Only, I probably would’ve eaten the Armadillo cake, as well! Glad you had a nice time and enjoyed everything about the occasion — including the yummy cake! YMCA be damned! ;-)

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isabelle • June 9, 2006 at 4:15 pm

Anyway, it’s a well-known fact that anything you eat off someone else’s plate – just like anything you eat standing up – has no calories. That’s right, isn’t it?

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BethK • June 12, 2006 at 2:24 pm

There’s clearly more hope for your family than mine. Leaving behind cake so that one could shake one’s booty would be pretty much unheard of. But, given the chance… I’d have done exactly the samee thing!

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Comments are now closed on all PastaQueen entries. The blog is an archive only so I don't have to deal with spammers. For fresh discussions please visit my new blog JenFul.

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

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