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Disbelief

I’m reaching a point where I’m starting to doubt the fact that I have lost this much weight. Maybe none of this has actually happened. Perhaps I am imagining it all while I’m floating in a pod full of mucus and my cerebral cortex is plugged into The Matrix.

I’m just two pounds away from having lost 150 pounds, so we’re definitely in the “Woah, you lost how much weight?” range of numbers. Some people go their whole lives without even weighing that much grand total, much less need to lose all of that.

I was carrying a 30 pound bucket of kitty litter in from my car yesterday and while the handle was attempting to slice through my fingers I thought “Damn, I still have to lose another two of these.” But then I thought, “Damn! I’ve already lost five of these!” How was I even able to walk around with all that extra weight? One would think I would have been permanently flattened to the ground like an astronaut during liftoff. PastaQueen, the human pancake, minus the blueberries. Speaking of blueberries, you’d think I’d have to be rolled around everywhere like that girl in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” who turns into a human blueberry. How I survived without my own personal team of Oompa Loompas, I will never know.

Similarly, it’s hard to believe that I am now fitting into some of my goal clothing. The brown corduroy pants. The cute little tank top I bought back in the fall that I couldn’t zip up but bought anyway because it was on sale. I’ve been walking toward this point on the horizon for so long, I can’t believe I’m actually there, or pretty darn close to being there. It’s like what K was saying about her wedding the other weekend, that after all the anticipation and build up for the event, you have to keep reminding yourself that is in fact actually happening. I’m so used to it being something that’s going to happen someday that it’s hard adjusting to the fact that soon someday will be today. While that’s generally a good thing, it’s a bit scary to think this dream might actually come true because then I’m going to have to go find another dream. Um, is it too late to become an Olympic caliber figure skater? I bet I have an awesome triple Salchow in me somewhere! Michelle Kwan is shaking in her boots.

It makes me think of that Shel Silverstein book, The Missing Piece, which the Amazon.com description says is about “the nature of quest and fulfillment.” If I’m remembering the plot correctly (spoiler alert!), it’s about a circle with a wedge missing that goes looking for its missing piece. After a long search, it eventually finds the piece and rolls around with it for bit, but then decides to let the piece go because it misses the quest of looking for the piece. See, all you need to know about life can be found in children’s books! It’s like that saying, “It’s the journey, not the destination.” I know even when I get to goal I’ll still have to maintain, so the journey won’t really ever be “over.” But it’s going to be more like driving through Kansas than down the Appalachian mountains. I’ll need to find a more interesting travel route to some new destination to keep me interested in life.

Chocolate & Vicodin: My Quest for Relief from the Headache that Wouldn't Go Away
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7 Comments

Anne • May 5, 2006 at 12:46 pm

Just a quick hello to say Keep up the great work! you are truly inspiring.

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hopefulloser • May 5, 2006 at 1:10 pm

Incredible PQ! We use the 30lb buckets of kitty litter and I know just how it feels. That’s amazing.

And I love The Missing Piece tie in because I wonder if I’m not letting go of this journey for a reason. I wish I could find another journey that I’m as passionate about as the weight loss one.

I’m in awe of you and you ROCK the house down. I’m struggling to lose half the weight you are. You are such a motivator.

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Jester • May 5, 2006 at 2:26 pm

What I’m trying to train my mind towards is that maintaining will my “next quest,” or maybe just the continuation of the weight loss quest. It doesn’t have milestones and no rewards (like seeing numbers go down on the scale), but I think it’s a harder quest than losing.

And it has to last a lifetime. There are days that sucks and days that I’m OK with the commitment.

I just know that I’ve lost before and gained it back, so I have to prepare myself to work as hard to keep it off as I have to get it off.

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Marly • May 5, 2006 at 3:01 pm

Your holding-heavy-stuff-and-comparing-it-to-weight-loss-analagy just totally trumped mine. But I’m a good person, so I’m happy for you anyway.

2 lbs until 150- WOOT!

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K • May 5, 2006 at 5:24 pm

Woah indeed. (That’s, ooh, ten times what I’ve lost. Without the stimulus of having to wear a wedding dress.)

I was thinking just the same thing the other day while doing some exercises with a ten-pound dumbbell – not as heavy as a 30lb bucket of litter, but heavy enough that I wouldn’t want to carry it around for very long…

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scone • May 5, 2006 at 5:38 pm

What you have achieved is truly remarkable, and deserves lots of applause! Maintenance, however, is indeed difficult– it lacks the gee-whiz or wow factor. In fact, maintenance gets to be about as exciting as cleaning the bathroom. And that’s how the pounds can creep back. But you’ll deal with that hurdle too, I’m sure. And when you do, please write about it, I need all the help I can get! :)

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John • May 6, 2006 at 12:15 am

Congratulations on the progress. I’m curious to learn how others who are around you consistently as you lose weight react to it. I lost 100 pounds during my junior year in high school, 19 or so years ago, and strange as it sounds I don’t fully remember this aspect of the experience. I think there was definitely a “wow” factor going on, but people tended to be silent about it. Maybe my going to an all-boys high school had something to do with it.

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Comments are now closed on all PastaQueen entries. The blog is an archive only so I don't have to deal with spammers. For fresh discussions please visit my new blog at JennetteFulda.com.

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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