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Long Time Gone

Okay, I fell off the wagon. I admit it. Consider me back on it. My motivation? My body is having serious troubles. My knees have started hurting in the last month when I get up from my bed. I’ve been fatigued lately and when I get up from my chair at work after sitting down, I feel light headed. Last week at work I had what felt like a mild heart attack, with pain under my heart. And again last night, I had the same pain. I lied there, cat curled up under me knees, wondering if I was going to, as in the immortal words of Y Kan’t Tori Read, have a heart attack at 23. Even though people keep telling me that obesity can kill me, I don’t think I really “get” that until I am keeled over in pain somewhere, suddenly remorseful for ignoring what is a SERIOUS problem. Yes, capital letters, bold.

So, that’s the negative. My body is finally starting to collapse under my willful neglect. Let’s get to the good news. I have been eating pretty well lately. I haven’t bought lunch for weeks, bringing a healthy meal in my lunch bag daily. I have a “sensible dinner” and have hardly binged at all. Yes, there were 1 or 2 incidents with Cadbury Eggs and Peeps, but let’s learn from them and move on. Also a positive, I got a Smoothie blender for Christmas and have been using it fervently, making smoothies 2 or 3 times a week. So now I’m getting my milk and fruits. Yay! Even more positive, Mum bought a treadmill! Yipee! I can exercise now! I did my first walk tonight, going for just 10 minutes. I want to work up slowly and be careful not to hurt myself. When I lost weight the summer after high school I ended up screwing up my leg for a week and it was a serious bitch not being able to walk. These spurts of motivation dissipate so easily. I’m also going to start doing some weight exercises again. I’d love to have an Angela Bassett toned body, but that’s still a bit down the road. I gotta start somewhere though.

My current goals are to maintain my good eating habits, start walking at least 5 times a week after work, and start weight training. I wish I had access to a scale that can actually register my weight, but I don’t, so I’ll just have to keep checking the scale until it registers me. Then I can start a weight chart. I’d estimate that I weigh about 370 pounds right now and I ultimately want to weigh 160. I want to lose 10 pounds a month, so that gives me 20 months to achieve my goals. One year and 8 months. A long time, but I’m getting older anyway.

I feel so empowered right now, like there is something to really look forward to, like I have power. And that’s what being beautiful is about really, isn’t it? Having power over people, controlling their behavior simply by exisiting as something they want. My body has never inspired want or desire and I’m thirsty for those feelings. I have a dream that at 25 I’ll finally be skinny, that I’ll be confident and comfortable in my body that I can make friends. In 2 years, I might start looking around for a job more in the interactive arts, and I’ll feel so confident interviewing and won’t constantly be second guessing my appearence.

Dream body, I will have you, oh yes I will. And I will literally work my fat ass off for you. Which reminds me, there is a mirror right behind the treadmill, so I was able to turn around and see myself walking from behind. Yee gads! I look disgusting walking around.

Chocolate & Vicodin: My Quest for Relief from the Headache that Wouldn't Go Away
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6 Comments

Lioness • December 5, 2006 at 6:01 pm

I think you’re brilliant, I really do. And you’re a geek, I’m so envious, I cannot believe you put that programme together yourself, that was one seriously sexy little thing. I cannot believe how much weight you’ve lost and how good you look and, above all, how absolutely brave you are. You’ve actually made me to try pilates, which I did yesterday for the first time. Ye gods, I hurt. But I will persevere, and when I feel tempted to quit, which I undoubtedly will, I will try to think of you spinning, like my private inspirational dervish. Thanks!

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cherie • May 25, 2008 at 11:11 pm

“Yes, there were 1 or 2 incidents with Cadbury Eggs and Peeps, but let’s learn from them and move on”

I placed an order for your book 5 min ago but I thought I would read through some of your old blogs. I just love this line, it really shows your sense of humor and “voice”. I have never bought a book like yours before. Self help, weight loss, autobiography??? whatever catagory it fits into I just never did. Too much bubbly cheesiness or rehashing of the same old concepts. But you are different. It is almost like you think like I do about things and I think that will really help. Honestly whether it does or not I bought your book because you have a gift. You have made a complete stranger care about your story=)

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Becca • July 22, 2008 at 9:06 am

I just started reading your blog, and had started with the most recent entries, working backwards, when I decided to skip to the very beginning and read forwards. What a difference the early entries are! Reading this: “My body has never inspired want or desire and I’m thirsty for those feelings. I have a dream that at 25 I’ll finally be skinny, that I’ll be confident and comfortable in my body that I can make friends.” broke my heart, it brought me right back to those feelings of isolation that often accompany obesity. I love knowing the “ending” of the story, how funny and outgoing your current entries are…I am so looking forward to reading the rest of the blog, and the book, as I continue with my own life long struggle with weight.

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mochamom • August 10, 2008 at 7:15 pm

I was reading the blog from the beginning, because right now I need motivation to turn my weekend binge around. I said out loud – oh it wants me to write something. And my seven year old son said – “Write, I fell off the wagon again, of course.” This is sad. My seven year old knows that I am a habitual I am on a diet one day and off the next. Howver, I am not 23 add at least twenty more. I feel as if it is now or never. I also feel this horrible time pressure. I am older. It is harder. I have a one year old. I have got to get it right for longevity. My mom died young – 54. I don’t know. I just finished taking the bar exam and with the cramming I gained at least 10lbs, so that now my old fat clothes look good to me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have two years. Well, I need to lose at least 50 – last time I weighed – well, maybe 70 – I am really short. Is there anybody out there? Help!!!

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Heather • September 14, 2008 at 9:15 am

@mochamom – Don’t feel badly gaining weight while taking the bar. It’s inevitable. I remember subsisting only on large bags of Fritos before the NY bar. I drove to Boston for the MA bar the next day and I think I drove the whole way one-handed, as I was stuffing in more Fritos with diet coke chasers. My skin is still greasy from that experience, and it was like 10 years ago.

Like y’all, I’m reading PQ’s archives from the beginning…..

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Vicki • March 30, 2009 at 12:33 pm

Do you recall what kind of treadmill you used to workout. I’m thinking of buying a treadmill. They all have a weight limit. I’m over 300lbs and my husband is over 400lbs. We desperately need a form of exercise but I don’t want to mortgage my home to buy a treadmill. Any suggestions?

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Comments are now closed on all PastaQueen entries. The blog is an archive only so I don't have to deal with spammers. For fresh discussions please visit my new blog JenFul.

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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